6. | Humbleness Is the Ultimate Self-confidence
Translation from Estonian Aul Pedajas
Sometimes we all need to characterize ourselves and it is understandable that for many of us typical introductory phrases would take shape. For one thought that I can quite self-confidently say about myself is “definitely I cannot be accused of humbleness and modesty”. Until now I have believed that humbleness is the opposite of self-confidence, but a few days ago something happened that changed my opinion.
I have a friend whom I know already since the year 1987. His name is Aul Pedajas. If somebody wants to feel humbleness – the feeling that LIFE is bigger than my little me, then there is no better lesson than getting to know Aul and his life.
There is an expression in English – “perfect storm” – that usually, expresses a climatic situation where all negative circumstances that by probability should not get together, but still coexist creating a situation that in no way can be controlled. For example, fires in Australia is a so-called “perfect storm” – no human activities can put an end to the firestorm. The ball is in the hands of a stronger player, in this case, the nature.
For already decades Aul’s life has been a perfect storm. Since birth his body has been small-sized and with extremely limited functionality. He is able to move only his mouth, eyes and also slightly his fingers. Already decades ago, he lost all close ones who could support him – his parents passed away and for different reasons, his other close ones could not help him. Last decades Aul has been in the world alone, confined to bed as disabled and having also otherwise weak health as a “present”. He has completely depended on other people.
It is very difficult for me to imagine a more complicated situation: for decades a lacking family, complete physical helplessness and due to poor condition of the body, many, at times life-threatening, health disorders. Probably, for most of us that would be an insuperable challenge. Nevertheless, during his life Aul has got higher education, completed various advanced trainings and done paid work – he has always wanted to manage by himself.
Also, he has travelled in the world, for years lived in the USA and Germany. To understand better the complicity of the challenges he faces, it is worthwhile to look at one fact. A few years ago, Aul decided to leave the USA and settle down in Europe. His preference developed into favour of Germany, because he needed continuous care and probably, in Estonia at that time a person like him would have remained without it. He asked people for help to finance going to Germany. If I am not mistaken, a one-way ticket was about 10 000 euros – being forced to fly in business class with his helper – this is not cheap.
Beside all this, it was also necessary to take care of all things ultimately simple for us, but very complicated for him – when your body does not move everything physical is very complicated. Despite everything, what was planned got done and Aul was able to write also the Germany experience to his resume.
In addition to everything previous, many wonderful things have happened until today – for instance, Aul’s getting married.
If you have got in the way of a “perfect storm”, then also that storm develops continuously. So that the whole thing would be even more “perfect”, Estonian authorities did not want to allow Aul’s wife who is from the Philippines to settle down to Estonia. Finally, still a miracle happened and the officials “softened”. But the storm and miracles did not end with this. One day, I read a posting of Aul’s on Facebook because of which I almost fell down – Aul became a father!
It was a moment when I needed to take time out for myself and think about life. Considering all circumstances this should have been an impossible event – still it happened. It was humbleness knocking on my inner door.
I started to realize that humbleness is the ultimate self-confidence, a question is only, which self we talk about. Either about the small one that nowadays is called “ego” or something bigger. Here I remember a thought from New Testament: “I can of mine own self do nothing. That something bigger – the one that is in me – only that is doer” (John 5:30, adapted text). Confidence of our bigger self is the trust in LIFE – understanding that life is not a controlling game, but is flowing through life events – it is a flow of experiences through me as an observer and participant. True self-confidence is a total renunciation of control. You give up on controlling events and are satisfied with participating in them. Trust in LIFE is self-confidence.
For the motive of writing this story became information, which reached me, that Ministry of the Interior, which so far had been Aul’s employer, ended his contract since the 1st of January. Here I have no condemnation to officials – if there is no work, there is no work… Social helping of people belongs to the administrative field of another ministry. For the main motive of writing this story is the upheaval concerning humbleness that took place in me, which I have written about before and I just could not keep these thoughts inside me.
What we do or do not do as people is (a part) of Life or God’s action. God for more religious people, but Life for non-religious ones, can act only through people. Therefore, at the same time I would like to forward Aul’s voiceless request, for which is a wish to be useful – to do some kind of work, to earn money, necessary for living, by himself.
By Aul’s own words, the most suitable work for him would be solving computer software related problems – remote maintenance. I can say from my experience that he manages that well. It just requires a certain, motivated will and some patience from a client, because communicating with Aul has a few, primarily temporal and spatial limitations. If in need, Aul also accepts contributions, but I know from communicating with him that the first option is a strong preference.
So, these people for whom humbleness as the true self-confidence does not qualify as an unknown phenomenon are welcome to shoulder, so that Aul would cope better with next storm blast. Because so far just people have helped him then there is no cause to think that also in the future, help will be coming from somewhere else…
You can support Aul
Receiver: Aul Pedajas
Account: EE137700771002440450
PayPal: a.pedajas@outlook.com